Sunday, November 2, 2008

Halloween and Ashley's visit

Hey Lovers,

Ok, so I have been super bad about updating and everything...sorry about that. It's been crazy busy here for me..and it's starting to drain me hardcore. It's Sunday early afternoon here, and I've decided that the next couple of days are going to be strictly me time. Ashley was here all last week and I am extremely grateful for her visit. She came at the perfect time, and I loved having her here. We had a great time together as well. However, I can feel myself getting off. It's been a highly emotional few weeks for me and very stressful. Right now, if I was at IU still, is when I would go home and cut off communication with people for a few days. Skyping with my parents will have to do. However I know a part of me is home right now..they have a baby hawk flying around, and my mom and i said at the same time that it was probably just me. (only understood if you're weird like me..i guess)

With everything that has been going on here, that I'm not really going to get into on here (some of you know, some of you dont', but it's not a huge deal anymore..but i'm still in recovery mode). I'm just emotionally exhausted. I've been learning a lot, especially about myself I think. The past few weeks have been incredibly educational and difficult. I hope it's just mercury is in retrograde, because it seems that everything is just off...and I want things to go back to normal. ( i have no idea if it is in retrograde or not...)

I need to get myself back though. I can feel myself losing my energy. I've been putting out so much...I feel like a shell.

I had a really interesting realization though, when I was talking to my mother the other day. She said something that I have been thinking for a long time, and she just kinda nailed it on the head. Even though I never really thought my mother and biological father's divorce really affected me that much (especially since mark and I don't have any sort of relationship, and my dad is Jim who is actually my stepfather, and Jim has raised me..). My mom and I think that maybe it has..plus I think I have some PL issues that are still haunting me that I need to work through as well. But I have a huge fear of losing people...especially "mates" (term my mother used...i think it fits...I like associating humans to the animal relm.. i feel like it's more "real"?). I'm terrified of being divorced when I'm older first. But I think I just crave unconditional love...with my past relationships, i've always been the one who put in the most effort. I believe in unconditional love, and I think sometimes I might be the only person who believes that... I know that all I ever really wanted is to just have someone that loves me for me...quirks and faults and all.

This quirk about me can be considered kind of odd I guess. Seeing as how I prefer to be single instead of casual dating (or maybe that's just a way to protect myself from getting attached.?) Also, I think being single is easier. I can be selfish and only care about myself, and I don't ever really disagree with myself (ha)...

it's amazing how much you don't know about yourself until someone says it to your face i guess. i'm glad mom and I had that talk...I had good cry when we were done...because it was finally out in the open.

I need to stop worrying so much. I know everything always works out for the best, for a reason, and how it is supposed to.

I bet this post makes no sense to most of you out there..it's fine really...I'm just kinda venting on here.

Halloween was good. The party was fun....Fredrik looked ah-mazing as edward scissorhands, and heloise was such a pretty flapper (kinda hate how all my old clothes look amazing one her. :-P guess that's what happens when one of your closest friends is a pretty petite french girl). Even though the party was fun, I was in the middle of a lot of serious conversations. Some were expected..some where not. I ended up telling fredrik about an issue of mine that a lot of you all know about, but he didn't..I hadn't felt like it was the right time, and then at the party (with liquid influence) I let it out (it's a drawn out story, that involves other people so I don't want to get into it on here again), but I wasn't able to explain it very well, and so I'm going to have to tell him everything ..i guess.. when he gets back from his highland road trip. My stress level has been very high, and it was seriously affecting my issue...Heloise noticed, and Fredrik noticed without realizing it...

I'll post pictures of the party and ashley's visit later... just in a seperate post.. I don't feel like incorporating them here...I just felt like writing and venting.

I can't believe it's november.....sheesh.

<3 <3

1 comment:

Minda said...

I'm sorry but what happened that made you so sad?? Let me know! And you are definitely not the only one who believes in unconditional love. I am with you on that. Also, I am with you on the Obama thing. I have not gotten anything but negative comments and shitty remarks from my grandmother and older sister for voting Obama. I really appreciate what you said. Hope all is well!! Love you!